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Doyle's Devotions to the Goddess
My life. Love it, leave it. Choices I've made, regretted, accepted, you'll find it all here.
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Wednesday, April 09, 2003 :::
A year. A year can seem like a lifetime, or it can seem to go by in the blink of an eye. A year ago I had the worst day of life. A year from now, I should be excited and getting my orders to leave Korea to be with my wife once again. Right now, I'm just numb. I know Susan's been hurting, over everything that's happened and everything that is to come. I wish I could help her. I try not to think about it, Susan says I try not to think about anything. She's right, I don't like to think about things that hurt me. I've been hurt too many times in my life. I try not to feel anything, to just simply exist. Unfortunately, I can't go through life like that. It stops me from enjoying the good things, and experiencing the joys and beauty life has to offer. I can't do that, I owe it to myself, and to her.
I do think about it, about her, about what might have been. It hurts, more than I can bear. I want to cry, scream, and crawl up into a ball and simply die... all at the same time. I miss her, I miss the happiness and the chance that was passed by us. But I know my baby wouldn't want me to dwell on the 'what ifs...' I've only just begun awakening my spirtuality to the Goddess, opening my mind and my heart for the first time in a long time. But I'm learning, I'm willing and I want to learn. The cycles of life, like the cycles of the moon are always in motion. Life, death, rebirth.
Susan, when I return from Korea, I want to start over, to try again. The road may be long and hard, but I know we can triumph. We need to be together, to be a family. It's what we both so strongly desire and so richly deserve. The Goddess knows it, maybe she's finally allowing us to see it. Maybe this separation will help us find our own inner peace so we can be happy and together. Everything happens for a reason, maybe this is it. It is time for a cleansing.
Thank you, baby. I will always remember you and honor your spirit, little one. You bought joy into my life, no matter how fleeting you were here. Watch over your family and bring us peace and comfort. Please help us to come together and return to happiness. I love you always my precious little Sarah.
By the Force and the Spirit within... all my love, for all the forevers.
::: posted by Scott at 10:18 PM
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